Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
