I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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