your parents love me but you hate me
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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