Where did you get a picture of my penis
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
