There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
