my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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