I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
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