What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
