i permit you to call me
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
