Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
