well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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