U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
