I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
