dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
