he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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