I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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