Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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