she woke up with a sticky ear
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
