i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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