Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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