I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You're a waste of cheezeits
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
