Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
