i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
