the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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