I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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