After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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