I think I am morally bankrupt
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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