if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
