i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
