if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize