I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
