Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
