ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
