i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
