Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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