So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
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