We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize