somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
