Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
