the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I said "one day" and that day is not today
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
