when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
