i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
