I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
