How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
