OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Randomize
