She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
