I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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