Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
