Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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