I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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