Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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