I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
