Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
