When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
