I wanna bring you to show and tell
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
