the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
