Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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