It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
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