curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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