When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
